Caring

It’s important to me (as I believe it should be to everyone) to care about my work. Once I have satisfied the necessities and procured food, shelter, etc., I NEED to be committed to whatever it is that I am spending my time on. Most of my time, as  is so many others’, is spent on work. I have two jobs. My weekend job has been completely empty for me for at least four years, but ESPECIALLY for the last year. I keep it because it is “good” money and at a time when I could find no satisfying full-time job, it works with the schedule of my other job. I hate it but keep going, for now. My weekday job is more disappointing, in a way, as I do care about the organization and I can feel satisfied by my work. Our aims are noble and productive and I see the outcome of our programs having real, practical benefit for Kansans (and in a more general sense, as an example to other agencies across the country). However, due to a number of reasons, I feel increasingly that my work does not matter, my contributions are not valued, and that I am greatly hindered from making a significant impact despite my passion and skills. After nearly two years of being stymied, fighting for every inch of headway, I am starting to get seriously disheartened. I want to make it work because there are a lot of good things about this job, but I’m starting to worry about my spiritual state. My spirit is being crushed, smothered by apathy and inertia, and I worry this is affecting the rest of my life i.e. the reason I have these crap jobs. I work these part-time jobs in order to make money to fund my efforts to “follow my dreams’ blah blah blah… but when I get home, I feel so disheartened that I find it difficult to be creative and even more difficult to translate any crumbs of inspiration into productivity. I don’t have a conclusion at the moment, but writing this helps me put my feelings into some sort of order. I suppose I have a few choices in front of me but existing as I am is not an option. The first option that presents itself- the least risky – is to find a way to focus my energy and passion on my personal work and not allow my jobs to disappoint me so much. This is easier said than done, as I inherently care about my work and find it inefficient to “waste” my time on anything that is not beneficial/productive. The second option is to find a way to make one or both of my jobs better outlets for my “caring”. Also easier said than done, and I run the risk of being disappointed yet again. I worry this is not worth any further expenditure of my energy. Thirdly, I could quit one of my jobs and try to scrape by without the income. I worry that my mood (which tends to deteriorate when impoverished) would negatively impact my personal work, thereby perpetuating the problem. Fourthly, I could quit one or both of my jobs and replace it with alternate work, an option never far from my mind. Finally, I could scrape by in my current situation until spring semester and then recommit to school. This would ultimately probably be just a bandaid- as I would likely be forced to confront the dissatisfying employment situation once again following the semester’s conclusion, only with a few thousand dollars more debt.

I am passionate, hardworking, dedicated and highly intelligent. I possess numerous valuable skills and am a highly loyal employee with an unceasing commitment to innovation. I respect my coworkers and am a “team player”- I hear this is a sought-after attribute. My social skills are above average and I am always on time. You won’t need to “manage” me- I’m one of those “self-starters” people keep talking about. Did I mention my wardrobe? I dress stylishly but modestly and will make the company proud at all official functions. Speaking of functions, my table manners are exceptional and I make a great impromptu speech. I am looking for an environment that nurtures creativity and rewards efficient employees. I’d love to find a mentor who is there to guide me, but gives me the freedom to prove myself and work independently. I’m not looking for “just a paycheck” – I want more. I want to be part of something bigger, with more purpose and a reward that surpasses the monetary one I get direct deposited. I want to help create something great. If you’re hiring, send me a message. You won’t be disappointed.

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4 thoughts on “Caring

  1. I could write a whole blog here in your comments in response to this post. I went through this not long ago and actually took a year off from corporate america to work on the book and pursue the greater purpose, so I can totally relate. Never mind the fact that I’m back – the time off served as a great reflection period and now I’m here for different reasons.

    Anyyyyway….before I get too long winded….do what it takes to make it happen. If it means finding an organization where you’d be happy, researching where they could use you and pitching a new position to them – then do it! I’ve had a few friends do this in the past couple years when they got to that “OMG I’m not doing what I should be doing!” point in life and they succeeded. You can, too. Figuring out what it is can be hard, but I’m sure you can find it AND do it.

    I believe in you!! And contrary to your comment to me the other day I have a total blog crush on you since seeing all your cute stuff, so deal.

    • Aww, thank you so much for your comment. It really lifted my spirit. I hadn’t even considered the idea you suggested – of creating a spot for myself somewhere with the right values/purpose, but it’s a wonderful idea and I definitely have it on one of the backburners in my brain ; ).

      Hopefully I will have some more cute stuff to share with you soon. : ) I am loving your cupcakes and keep thinking of cute little packaging designs for them! I promise not to be like those annoying people at your company and shove my ideas on you – but I wanted to let you know that *your* creativity inspires me, too!

  2. Wow. I think we were channeling each other today. I just finished my post…then saw this. So random…and kind of strange.

    Anyway, I feel you – I really do…I always tell Tim that I want to leave something behind – other than children – that people will cherish and, in an indirect way, remember me by. Like a book. Or lots of books. I always feel like my aspirations are WAY out of the normal person range. I’m not happy with everything “just so.” I need more. I need to feel accomplished and like I’ve truly made a difference in the world – not just in my own house or my community. THE. WORLD.

    It’s totally irrational, yet people do it everyday. Why not me? Or you?

    • I’ve been thinking about this a lot – not just now, but always… and there is nothing wrong with aspiring to greatness. I keep planning to send you an e-mail about things. I’m glad to see you were writing on Monday – another crazy coincidence, as I spent the day doing the same thing!

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