The Latest and Greatest In Spider-Killing Technology

Like many people, I don’t enjoy spiders. That’s putting it lightly, but I’m trying to be delicate here, and not risk any literate spiders reading of my vendetta and seeking revenge. I don’t enjoy spiders so much that I usually kill any who cross my path. If my handy husband is around, I usually invite him (translation: scream, flail, and run around wildly) to perform this task. When he is not, I’m left with a handful of options.

Bare-handed: not an option, despite what aforementioned handy husband thinks.

Poison: Good, if I’ve got any, and I don’t mind spraying toxic substances all over my carpet, walls, and breathing air.

With a shoe or nearby implement: Getting warmer, but then I have a dead spider stuck to my shoe. Fixing one problem with another problem is not ideal.

Enter: The Ultimate Spider Killer.

Step 1: Wrap a paper towel around a rubber mallet and secure with a rubber band. (A hammer can be substituted, but the large, even surface of a mallet is preferable)

Step 2: Extend your arm and carefully walk to the trashcan, taking great pains to avoid looking at or touching the spider carcass. A quick peek to ensure deadness is ok.

Step 3: Using scissors, cut the rubberband, releasing the soiled papertowel without having had to touch spider parts, dead or living, at any point.

Celebrate!

Step 4: Re-arm your spider killer. Preparation is key.

Hint: These make excellent house-warming gifts for young ladies (or young men who behave like ladies) moving into their first place.